Sunday, January 23, 2011

Meet Virginia

I just found out that my best friend went on a hush..hush..road trip without moi'. I'm not going to be upset over it. It is her anniversary and she is with her hubba bubba. Threes a crowd all all that bullshit excuse. 


My first hint of an indication of her whereabouts came to me on facebook where the bitch bestie posted a picture of snow. SNOW? Come on now we live in sunny funny Florida and it would have to be the end of the world as we know it before it would snow here. As everyone knows the world is not going to end until December 21, 2012.


Next the taunting text messages began to arrive causing a disquieting harmful effect on me.


Mental anguish took over my being upon the rapid arrival of photo messages. Oh the pain of it all.


To put the icing on the cake I received a text message from a second 
fiend friend. 


My second beastie  bestie had moved to Virgin Virginia last year and  
I have missed her everyday since. So Miss Virginia texts me : Guess who's here? They (the traitor and her patsy)  surprised me and they are here to V-a-c-a-t-i-o-n (cue bubblegum vacation song by the Go-Go's) Well isn't that Special !


So Ms. Virginia texts me : "save your pennies and you have a free place to stay. Country house..jacuzzi bath..swimming pool in the summer..don't ever have to leave..just bring food and drinks..So peaceful." salt to the wound, I say: at least give me tequila with that.


So I reply: " Don't you worry about me. The 50 cats and I are doing just FINE.


So here is what I am missing:




Damn you all to H- E- double Hockey Sticks!!!






And your little dog too!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

He Who Shall Remain Nameless

I was a newly married woman when I first met my nephew. My honeymoon night was spent at my in laws. We were piss poor and it was either spend money on a hotel or fix the car. The car won out. Cars always won out over me in my marriage. My husband loved cars and had too many of them for me to list.

So here I was laying in bed the morning after I got married. The door pushed open and in walked my five year old new nephew. He jumps up on the bed between my husband and myself and asks in a very loud voice "So got any kids?" I knew I liked this kid immediately.

A few weeks later we went to visit my nephew and his Mom. His mom was babysitting a few kids. We sat around and had coffee and I asked were the nephew was. His Mom told me he was in his room playing. I entered his room and heard some giggling. I followed the sound to under the bed. I got down on the floor and peeked under the bed. What to my surprise should I see?

I ran to get his Mom and the nephew and the little girl who was being babysat came crawling out from their hidey-ho. The little girl began to cry at being found out. My sister in law asked what they had been doing and the children said playing doctor.

Upon closer inspection a certain purple crayon was found to have been delicately placed in someones rump.

I said to my sister in law I guess the nephew is specializing in proctology. You should be very proud.


*disclaimer no children, small animals, farm animals or purple crayons were harmed in the events of this story*   







Stuff That Happened Today

* someone found my blog by searching: wearing boots gyno stirrups

* today at school we had French toast sticks one of my little students said: More Flintsones please


* another little student got a Mohawk haircut. I told him I like your haircut and he replied: Yeah it's a Hallmark haircut  

* just found out that I was mentioned at     


http://www.runningwithtweezers.com/snowy-link-love/

Thank you Tami @runningwithtweezwers.com


Funniest thing I have seen all day:
http://dustyd-flyawayhome.blogspot.com/2011/01/im-truly-at-loss-for-words.html
Thanks Sandy~

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Animals




Sitting here at my desk eating a snack.  Then I noticed what the animals were doing. Hmm animal cracker porn.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Coffee Klatch

I posted these notes on the coffee pot at work:

Coffee Pot Levels
  YELLOW~ELEVATED
Significant risk of empty coffee pot.

ORANGE~HIGH
Please make a new pot of coffee
if you can.

RED~SEVERE
Please make new coffee NOW

*IF NOT THE TERRORISTS WIN!*


The last note says: P.S. I am in love with 
the person who has the coffee pot pre-made
in the morning xox



DANGER! DANGER! WILL ROBINSON

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Exam Time

If you are like me you dread the gyno visit. Let’s face it you have to get naked and splay your lady parts wide open. Oh, and shave your legs, bathe, and powder and perfume. You carefully pick out an outfit and clean undies only to take it off  once you get in the exam room.

The new year is here. I am in the process of making doctor and dentist appointments. I might as well get them out of the way early. I just booked a gynecologist appointment. I got to thinking about a story that my mom had shared with me about a “friends “ visit to the gynecologists.


My mom’s friend went to the gyno and was in the exam room getting ready for the doctor and nurse to come in. While sitting on the table in her exam gown ( I love how they call it gown. I for one will never wear it to a ball) She began to wonder if she was fresh enough down there. She reached into her purse and pulled out a tissue to dab and refresh herself. Feeling confident she laid back to wait.

Several  moments later in walked the doctor and nurse. She was instructed to scoot her butt all the way down the table till it felt like she was hanging in mid air. She placed her feet in metal cold stirrups and opened wide.

The doctor adjusted his exam light and she felt the warmth of its glow. She kept her eyes on the serene poster of the ocean above her head. The doctor asked the nurse to come closer and to take a look.

“Well !  Look at what they are giving away with S&H green stamps!” the doctor proclaimed to his nurse. 

Apparently when moms friend was wiping herself with the tissue from her purse an S&H  green stamp had tagged along for the ride.




What’s in your purse?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Snow Day!

I miss Snow Day. I miss snow. I miss praying to God to let it snow.


I remember waking up on freezing cold winter mornings. The first thing that hit me was the icy air surrounding the space above my five layers of itchy wool blankets. My feet would hit the cold hard wood floor and carry me forward to the picture window. I would view the snow drenched world below. Snow! Glorious snow!

Mom would turn on the news channel. On any other given day the television would be turned on to our cartoons or the three stooges. All that changed with the promise of there being a snow day. Silently we waited for the words that would change our day. All schools closed today!

We wasted no time in getting dressed. The process of dressing for a snow day took time. Clean undies ( mom’s rule she did not want to be embarrassed if we got in an accident ) tee-shirt followed by a thermal top and bottom. Next I donned stretchy ski pants with stirrups on the feet, remember those?  Pants, long sleeve shirt, turtle neck shirt, sweater, snow parker, scarf, hat.

The most important part of successfully dressing for a snow day was to wear two pairs of socks followed by plastic bread sacks placed over your socks and held on by rubber bands. The bread sacks would allow for keeping your feet dry when snow entered your boots. Next came the red rubber boots. Lastly mom would pin our mittens onto the sleeves of our coats to prevent us from losing them. At last we were set to go.

We would run next door to our friends and scream out our secret known only to each other calling card “E-OR-KEY!”  We would throw snowballs at their bedroom windows to beckon them to come outside. Out they would come sleds, toboggans and cardboard boxes in hand.

When we tired of sledding we would go ice skating. Bonfires we lit to keep us warm. Mom would pack thermos filled with hot chocolate and Campbell’s chicken noodle soup.

We would stay outside until we really, really had to use the bathroom or until we could no longer feel our toes or hands.

Oh, how I long for the sweet innocence of a simpler time in my life.

This is as close as we get to building a snowman in sunny Florida.


Friday, January 7, 2011

Om...Om

I could not think of a blog post to write so I took to twitter. I am the new kid on the block at twitter. So I sent out an S.O.S. The only response I received was write about your most embarrassing moment.

I have had several of those moments in my life time so I debated as to which one to write. It was a close tie between a bedroom moment and the one I am about to unfold.


I have always wanted to try Yoga. I was enrolled in College as a later-in-life student . While on campus I found out that Yoga was being offered as a community class. I talked my youngest daughter into going with me.

We purchased exercise mats and cute yoga pants, off we went to pursue inner peace.

Class was held in the schools dance studio. Upon our arrival I noted that the teacher was dressed in a white caftan and had on a matching turban. Oh Lord I thought what am I in for?

After introductions were made the guru began to guide us. Shoes were kicked off and yoga mats were unrolled, lights were dimmed to the level of a down and dirty honky- tonk bar. Let the games begin!

Soft meditative music filled the air. The first few classes we were taught the basics of deep controlled breathing and contortionist  three ringed circus  body movements. Eyes were to be closed for the majority of the class time.

A few weeks into the classes we began to learn difficult poses. On this particular night in the midst of  performing the downward dog movement an unmistakable sound filled the room.

The sound heard in that drowsy silent filled room had escaped from my own body. Had I anticipated such a need I would have the chance to try stifle or muffle it.

Oh My God! Sweet baby Jesus! I had passed gas and I am not talking about a ladylike poof  and it did not sparkle or smell like roses. There was no mistaking that I had just tooted my own horn.
My face immediately turned several shades of  red. Snickering and giggles filled the room with sound. I felt as though all eyes were now wide open and staring in my direction. Should I laugh, excuse myself or just dig a hole and climb right in? No, I thought pretend it did not happen.

The yoga instructor locked her eyes with mine and calmly stated Body functions will happen. Bless her soul!

At the end of class as my daughter and I were walking to the car my sweet child inquired about the incident. “Hey Mom did you hear that fog horn of a fart? I think it came from that dude that was behind you.” I replied “Fart?” “What fart?” And so concluded my adventurers in meditative yoga. Who needs the stress.

Please keep this our dirty little secret.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Sounds in the Wee Moring Hours

Sounds in the Wee Morning Hours



     Sounds never meant to be heard by the living awoke me from my restless sleep. I quickly jumped to my feet and looked over at my father’s Hospice bed. He was asleep. I frantically grabbed my life line my cell phone. I placed a call to my sister. A fast glance at the clock told me it was 3:33 a.m. She did not answer my call. I assured myself that she was snuggled down with her dog and her husband to keep her out of harms way.  I was shaking in fear. I felt a cold shiver run down my spine and I trembled. I then felt a coldness pass through my being. I felt as though I could not catch my breathe or move. My body just would not let me. For a moment I thought I was still dreaming. Then it came to me my little friend Jason. I had promised him that I would watch over his Dad. I quickly left the room and walked two doors down to Jason’s dad’s room. The door was ajar and a small light had been left on. Like a shadow under a door I slowly slipped into the room. I stood above  this vessel of what use to be a vibrant man and listened. The only noise I heard was the in and out flow of his drug induced sleep. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief that he was still alive. Not on my watch I thought to myself. I have promises to keep and I never break a promise to a child.
    As I slowly walked back to my father’s room I proceeded to do a bed check of all the other guests next to my fathers room. Many years of being a mother had taught me the importance of the peace of mind brought on by nightly bed checks.
    I returned to my father’s room and once again tried to get comfortable on the couch that was my bed. There was an extra bed besides my fathers and it was a double bed. It would have been pleasant to have been able to stretch my weary body into that bed. I declined to recline in that bed knowing in my mind that many souls had passed on while asleep there. I had never had the experience of watching someone die and was both a little excited and terrified by the forth coming event. I was about to experience the  worse and best thing that had ever happened to me.
   I must of dozed off. Once again I was awoken by sounds I could never describe in words. The sounds I heard and I will do my best to describe, were sounds of gut wrenching, pure unadulterated pain. But not the pain of which we all know. This was emotional pain converted into a pliable sound. I felt empathy for who ever was making this noise. I was afraid. I suddenly understood that the sounds that I heard were the sounds of someone battling the devil for their soul. I said a prayer and closed my eyes. No sooner then my eyes closed the sound emitted one more time and I quickly realized that the source was my own father. I rushed over to his bedside and placed my hand on his. His sparkling Frank Sinatra blue eyes opened wide and he looked back at mine. "Daddy are you OK?" "Yes Dolly" he replied then closed his eyes. As I turned to walk away he said “ It will be today." I did not need to ask him what he meant by that statement. I already knew. I looked at his face and noted he looked serene. He quickly fell back to sleep. I lay back on the couch and watched the rest of the night turn back into day. The day.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I Once Attempted

I once attempted to quit drinking.. I felt dizzy,muddled,sick to my stomach. Serve headaches came next. People crossed the street to get away from me. Dogs cowered. Babies cried. The priest of my church booked a  exorcism.

Three hours into my abstinence I caved in.


I was found by a friend consuming my second round..




Of sweet baby Jesus please forgive Caffe' Mocha extra shot of double espresso whipped big gulp Venti fountain of youth beverage of the Gods heaven help me pure delight COFFEE.


Yes it is the one thing that I can not live without.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My Dad is Dying

                                       My Dad is Dying
I needed a break from the death watch. My sister was there and I felt confident that everything would be alright long enough for me to walk away for a few minutes.  I walked to the end of the short hall. There was a room set up to look like a living room. A couch two comfy chairs, coffee table and two end tables with lamps. And of course the focal point of the room was the TV  complete with a remote control. I held the remote turned on the TV and mindlessly began to stare at it. I tried in vain to find the button that would mute my thinking. I was so tired emotionally drained I wanted off this roller coaster of emotions. All those years of growing up in that mans house all the times I had wished him dead. How ironic that now my wishes were coming true.
My solitude was short lived. In walked a young child. If I had to guess I would say he was about ten years old. He sat down in the chair next to where I was sitting. I asked him if he wanted to watch TV and atomically handed over the remote.
   As our hands met on the exchange of the remote he looked into my eyes and blurted  “My dad is dying.” In my head I said “ Oh dear God you have got to be freaking kidding me!” “ Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.” “I don’t know what to say to this kid.” Still looking in his eyes I replied “My dad is dying too.” My new friend introduced himself as Jason and quickly words began to spill out of his mouth. “My dad has brain cancer he is only 35 years old.” “That is him you hear screaming sometimes.” “They tied him to the bed cause he doesn’t know where he is and keeps trying to get up.” My brain was kind to me and shut down my emotions. On any other day  I would have been reduced to a  bucket of tears. I sensed that Jason did not need me to cry. He needed someone to tell, someone who would just listen he needed to process what was happening by being verbal about it. I waited for him to finish. As he was talking I began to think of how he was the age that my youngest child was when her daddy died. So I approached him with the information that I would of wanted someone to educate my child with. I told him of my children’s fathers death. I told him about the things he could expect to happen and feel. He thanked me and told me that he and his family were going home for the night. He asked me if I was staying the night. I told him I was because I had made a promise to my father to do so. He said he was afraid to leave his dad. He was afraid that his Dad would die with him not there. I said if you like I will look in on him tonight. He said you would? I said I promise you that I will. I reached into my pocket to get a tissue and came out with a handful of candy from the reception desk candy jar. I asked him if he wanted some. He said yes. I told him where he could go to get more. He told me that the lady at the desk had told him he couldn’t have anymore. I said oh really. I was out raged to think that someone would deny a child something as little as candy when their father lay dying in the same building. I asked Jason to walk with me as I marched up to the desk with that held the candy jar. Jason stood back as I swooped the candy jar off the desk and emptied all of its contents into my pockets and hands. I gave the little old lady sitting there the hairy eyeball and walked away. Jason and I walked back to the TV room and I dumped my loot onto the table. He shook his head and laughed at what I had done. I look at it this way all those years of visiting Grandma’s Candy jar had finally paid off.
I kept my promise to Jason and watched over his father that night. Sadly Jason’s father passed away the next afternoon.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Best Friends Wedding

I think that I had already posted the  following speech here but I am recycling it as part of a tribute to friendship. I decided that I wanted to take part in NaBloPoMo. Now you are probably scratching your head and saying huh? NaBloPoMo stands for National Blog Posting Month. To join one must promise to post every day for the month. Just the kick in the pants that I needed. The theme for the month of January is friendship. One does not have to keep to the theme it is just a suggestion to help spark your writing. I probably could write a new post every day about my friendship with Jen. But the statue of limitations has not run out yet. So without further ado :

My best friend was getting married and as the Maid of Honor it was proclaimed that I should write and read a speech. I wrote this speech on a scrap of paper under the dryer at the hairdressers with 5 glasses of mimosas in me on the morning of the event.
Welcome to all, my name is Carrie and I am Chris' opening act. Before I start I would like to say that Jen you look stunning, and Shane you just look stunned! When Jen asked me to be her bride slave err maid I was delighted, but two days ago I was voulen told umm informed that I would be giving a roast umm toast. Please forgive me I am doing my own writing due to the writer's strike. First I'm going to give Shane some advice.
Whenever your wrong- ADMIT IT!
Whenever your right- SHUT-UP!
The best way to remember an anniversary is to forget one!
Never forget the two most important sayings--Shane repeat these after me..Your Right Dear, and O.K. Buy It!
Yes woman really do need new shoes for every outfit!
Lastly Shane never be afraid that Jen is going to leave you she has spent years training you and she does not give up easily!
I have been asked to read a card- Darling Jen, You know that you can't have me so I have sent you my stunt double. Love, Brad Pitt.
Jen.............. Jen and I met in Pre-school. We were both teachers there, that was over twelve years ago. What can I say about Jen..I am kind of limited due to that pinky swearing incident! A best friend is like a four-leaf clover...hard to find but lucky to have. To know Jen is to love Jen. Jen- has been with me through good times and bad... We have danced on tables, shopped (Payless!),gossiped (sorry Amy!) Laughed and cried together. Jen is a amazing person! Shane is a very lucky man. Shane I know you will take care of her ........she means the world to me. Keep her happy, make her laugh. Most of all Love her Always and Forever. So on that note I will propose a toast- May the best day of your life be the worst day of your future! Cheers!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Always Use Protection

This is my son. I always told him to use protection. I think he took it a bit too far.

Things Kids Say..

When my oldest daughter was little and it was her birthday she would go around singing Happy Birthday. Her version of the song was slightly different than mine.

Hoppy Burpday to meeeeeee!


I once asked her what she wanted for a gift and she said:

A newb bacon soup ( in kid sense talk : A new bathing suit ) 

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Chat Anyone?

Unfiltered: Chaos

Unfiltered: Chaos

Be Socialble

     I recently attended a party. It was pretty lame for a party or should I say for my tastes in parties. My thoughts on parties is this: If no one crys, gets drunk or naked, breaks-up or makes out with someone other than the one that brought them, pukes or fights it is just not a party.

     So I wandered over to the buffet, might as well eat and drink and fill up my pocketbook stomach. I love a free meal or two. I began to eat some crackers and cheese ( I needed something to wash the tequila down with). I noticed that the crackers were the Nabisco/Kraft brand called Sociables. The crackers name got me to thinking. Hmmm? Sociables at a lame party and no one is being sociable? I picked up the box and dialed the toll free number to complain. Kraft doesn't answer it's phone on the weekends so I left a message. " Hi your product Sociables doesn't do what you advertise it to do. I am at a party with your crackers being served and no one is being Sociable. No one likes me not even your crackers can help me. I demand a refund and that you change the name of your product to a more fitting name like "Outcasts" or maybe even "Leper "

Does anyone know of any Party that might be serving Funyuns?