Sunday Drive

In the south there is an unwritten code among the genteel southern woman. One should never leave the house without being fully coiffed, for one never knows whom they might run into down at the local Piggly Wiggly. With that being said I made sure to fully adorn my self in my Sunday best.
I slid into my " pimp my ride please" 1995 Happy Honda and headed out. There is nothing better than the lure of the traditional Sunday drive.
I leisurely drove through what is known to us common folks as " the richie  rich" neighborhood of Winter Park, Florida. As my car bumped along over the cobblestone streets I took in the surrounding scenery. Towering canopies of  live old oak trees draped with chandelier Spanish moss. Behind the trees that line the streets are hundred year old mansions where lifestyles of the rich and famous are dreamed about.
As I approached the golf course country club where it meets the historic cemetery I paused my car at the four way stop sign. I took this pause in time to text my sister who was following in the car behind me. Without fully looking up I proceeded to move forward. I immediately slammed on my brakes. For a moment I experienced  being snow blind. A light whiter than white gleamed off the exposed backside of a shirtless man as he jogged in place in front of my car. My first thought was who the hell jogs anymore? I watched as he hiked up his smaller than Richard Simmons short-shorts which had slipped down. He turned his head to look me in the eye. I noticed a enormous orange-red afro which was sporting a 1980's sweat band. ( think the video Let's Get Physical here ). His eyes locked mine and I noted the extreme arched thin eyebrows reminiscent of Marlena Dietrich .
Oh my God! It's Carrot Top !!! I  I almost mashed him with my car.
I pointed my finger at him and he returned the favor as he jogged on.  I grabbed the phone and called my sister who confirmed my sighting. I was relieved to know that had I hit him the southern ladies had nothing to fear because I followed the code and was properly attired for an interview with both the police and the paparazzi.

Okay it was a day just like any other day in my life. I overslept. I just kept hitting that snooze button on my cell phone. My bed was just too comfortable and I was warmly cuddled up to my favorite cat Trance. I felt safe and secure snuggled down in my big bed with my comfy down filled comforter tucked over me. Life couldn't be any more perfect at that moment.

BZZZZ...... BZZZZZZZZ ... What was that annoying sound that was blasting me out of my dreams? It took me a few seconds to figure out that it was the alarm clock. That's when I awoke with panic in my eyes and a curse on my breath. I blearily eyed the time and sprang out of bed sending both Trance and myself flying to the floor.

I had exactly fifteen minutes to get to work on time. Yeah, like that was going to happen. It normally takes me fifteen minutes just to drink my first cup of wake up. There was going to be no coffee at home for me this morning. I quickly put on a skirt and blouse, and to heck with struggling with pantyhose today. I brushed my teeth, combed my hair and grabbed my purse.

Do you remember that annoying game show with Kathi Lee called I Can Name That Tune? The one where the contestants would out do each other by proclaiming I can name that tune in two notes. Well I have one-upped them. I can drive to work in 4.5 minutes (that is if I don't hit the traffic light on red). I have stopped running the red lights (not a choice of my own) since the city has installed a "smile your on candid camera".

I pulled in to the parking lot of my work and snuffed out my cigarette, I had two minutes to spare. My only thought at that moment was the mug of coffee that I could get once inside. No sooner than I shut my car door I heard, "Good Morning Ms. Donna" and then laughter. The greeting was from a father of one of my students, he slowly walked towards me as I grumbled back "Morning". He then proceeded to bend down at my feet and pick something up. As he straightened up he placed in my hand what he had just picked up off the ground, and smiled. I looked in my hand and at his retreating back as he said "Have a nice night?" It took me a moment to realize what had been placed in my hand, "Oh my God!" I exclaimed out loud. He had just handed me a pair of my lacy black panties that had fallen out of my car!

It is a known fact to my friends and family that I live in my car, well not really but you get the picture. I know that if I am ever stranded in a snowstorm while driving I will be a survivor. I have everything in my car from food, pots, pans, books, bottled water and clothes. I figured that the panties must of came from the recent trip I took to my sisters house or from the laundry basket I had transported to my sons house. I found the whole incident rather amusing. Not wanting to be any later I shoved the offending panties in my purse and went into work.

I bee lined it to the kitchen and straight to the coffee pot announcing to the ladies standing there to "Walk away from the coffee pot and no one gets hurt". The crowd parted automatically like the Red Sea. To talk to me before mass consumption of caffeine is to take your life in your hands. The people that I work with know that if it weren't for coffee, I wouldn't have any personality at all. I finished my coffee and went on into my classroom. I had a doctor’s appointment and was glad to know that I would be leaving work for the day before my friend in the parking lot would reappear to pick up his child.

As I left work for my appointment I decided to empty out some of the trash from my car into the dumpster. I walked over to the dumpster and not only did I throw the trash away but I also threw my car keys into the dumpster. I did the walk of shame back into the building to ask my co-workers for help. There was no way I was going into that dirty dumpster with a skirt and heels on. I enlisted the help of a fellow teacher who was wearing khakis and sneakers. She laughed all the way to the dumpster and jumped in. She found my keys and handed them over to me after I made a "Let's make a deal' with her. The deal was that I was going to cover her class so she could have a day off. I agreed and got into my car for the trip to the doctors.
Fast forward to the doctors office. I had just finished my check up and was at the check out window with the nurse. I opened my purse to pay my co-pay. As I was searching for my wallet I began to pull out various items, lipstick, hairbrush, and panties. My nurse began to laugh at the site of the offending panties. I turned and placed them into her gloved hands and said "since you are already wearing gloves would you mind holding these for me?" Such is the day in the life of Donna's traveling panties.