Girls Just Want to Have Fun

HaHaha my sis just dropped her drawers and peed in her front yard cause she didn't want to go in the house cus we were spying on the neighbor who had an ambulance at his house. No she doesn't drink she's just old and it's called incontinence if you don't know what that means you will know when you get to be her age this is the longest run on sentence ever my high school teacher would be so proud and another thing her dog Brewskis snores louder than any husband I have ever known by the way she names her trees in her yard the tree she did her business on is named Fat Albert and I think that it's a good thing that we are going to church in the morning as I am going to ask God to forgive her for her sins 

The pen (in this case the iPad keyboard is a mighty sword as my sister is just now finding out) I am learning where all the creaks in her floorboards are so I can sneak around her house without alerting her.

Sunday Drive

In the south there is an unwritten code among the genteel southern woman. One should never leave the house without being fully coiffed, for one never knows whom they might run into down at the local Piggly Wiggly. With that being said I made sure to fully adorn my self in my Sunday best.
I slid into my " pimp my ride please" 1995 Happy Honda and headed out. There is nothing better than the lure of the traditional Sunday drive.
I leisurely drove through what is known to us common folks as " the richie  rich" neighborhood of Winter Park, Florida. As my car bumped along over the cobblestone streets I took in the surrounding scenery. Towering canopies of  live old oak trees draped with chandelier Spanish moss. Behind the trees that line the streets are hundred year old mansions where lifestyles of the rich and famous are dreamed about.
As I approached the golf course country club where it meets the historic cemetery I paused my car at the four way stop sign. I took this pause in time to text my sister who was following in the car behind me. Without fully looking up I proceeded to move forward. I immediately slammed on my brakes. For a moment I experienced  being snow blind. A light whiter than white gleamed off the exposed backside of a shirtless man as he jogged in place in front of my car. My first thought was who the hell jogs anymore? I watched as he hiked up his smaller than Richard Simmons short-shorts which had slipped down. He turned his head to look me in the eye. I noticed a enormous orange-red afro which was sporting a 1980's sweat band. ( think the video Let's Get Physical here ). His eyes locked mine and I noted the extreme arched thin eyebrows reminiscent of Marlena Dietrich .
Oh my God! It's Carrot Top !!! I  I almost mashed him with my car.
I pointed my finger at him and he returned the favor as he jogged on.  I grabbed the phone and called my sister who confirmed my sighting. I was relieved to know that had I hit him the southern ladies had nothing to fear because I followed the code and was properly attired for an interview with both the police and the paparazzi.

Don't Look!

Don’t Look                             
A few years ago my daughter invited me to go on a trip with her and her husband and their children. We live in Florida and the trip was planned to visit North Carolina. The objective of the trip was to find snow. My three grandchildren had never seen snow. I was asked to come along all expenses paid to help with the children.
I agreed to the deal and we left the week after Thanksgiving. We left Florida in the early evening hours. The two older boys fell asleep but my grand daughter was a small baby and she was fussy. I asked my son in law to please take the next exit so we could change the baby’s diaper and get some coffee.  He did not want to stop but I convinced him to do so. We were somewhere in Georgia and it was two a.m. when we found a seven-eleven  store to stop at.
After taking care of the baby and stretching our legs we headed out again. No sooner then we got back onto the highway we saw trouble ahead. Police lights and road flares lit the dark cold night. My son in law screamed at my daughter and I “Don’t look.” What does one do when they hear the words don’t look? You look. There had been an accident. I only saw one car. One body. The accident must of just happened. I witnessed a mangled body laying in the middle of the highway. I saw a police officer place a sheet over the body. My immediate thought was to pray. I closed my eyes and prayed . Dear Lord please be with this persons family and loved ones, surround them with your love at this time of need. One last thing Lord, I hope it was the deceased time to leave this earth.
No sooner then I had finished my prayer my cell phone alerted me that I had a text message. I thought who would be texting me? I noticed the incoming number was from out of the country. I opened up the text and read the following: On Time Arrival.