Click Your Heels Three Times

Being home in this small hometown life is both comforting and claustrophobic. Bittersweet.

I have many stories to write for the future as soon as I am able to process them through my brain.

Internet access here is limited to a wing and a prayer. I go home tomorrow and keep telling myself ... one more sleep.

Brown chicken..Brown Cowow...

Sitting at my sister's house watching t.v.with her last night I remembered a few years back when we did the same thing. At that time I was visiting with my children who were teenagers and my youngest daughter who was nine years old. My sister and I were talking and her husband was trying to watch the New England Patriots football game. Hubby got upset that he could not enjoy his football while sitting next to a bunch of gabbing hens. He threw the channel changer in my sisters lap and marched off to his bedroom t.v. But not before telling my sister watch whatever you want.

My sisters t.v. Is as big as a drive-in movie screen. We continued to gab as she channel surfed. Next thing I know my ears were being assaulted by what was on the t.v. Ahhh..mmmm...Yes! ...mmmm harder..faster yes yes Yessss! I looked up at the larger than real life screen and saw that my sister had a porno movie on. I quickly tried to cover all three of my children's eyes as I wrestled the remote from my sister. I screamed at her "What are you doing?" she replied " he said watch whatever".Such is my life with my sister..

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

HaHaha my sis just dropped her drawers and peed in her front yard cause she didn't want to go in the house cus we were spying on the neighbor who had an ambulance at his house. No she doesn't drink she's just old and it's called incontinence if you don't know what that means you will know when you get to be her age this is the longest run on sentence ever my high school teacher would be so proud and another thing her dog Brewskis snores louder than any husband I have ever known by the way she names her trees in her yard the tree she did her business on is named Fat Albert and I think that it's a good thing that we are going to church in the morning as I am going to ask God to forgive her for her sins 

The pen (in this case the iPad keyboard is a mighty sword as my sister is just now finding out) I am learning where all the creaks in her floorboards are so I can sneak around her house without alerting her.

On the Road Again

At the airport the lines through security remind me of Disney's hurry up and wait philosophy . Applause breaks out spontaneously, as I notice the American flag being held up high as World War two veterans pass under it and on through security. Suddenly tears well up in my eyes as I am reminded of my father. How appropriate that i am thinking of him at this moment when I am traveling to be with my mother. The grim reaper has knocked at her door and invited it self in. This is not my first time at the dance three years previously I made the same trip for my father.

The line is taking forever, will I make my flight I think.  Getting half way naked and placing my possessions into gray plastic trays. I am asked to go through the metal detector and it beeps. I am pulled to the side and told that I am randomly selected for further screening. I am asked to place my finger on some kind of blue paper like substance. Then I am cleared to go. 

Half hour to my flight boards I spot a Starbucks. Thank you sweet baby Jesus!  Another line. I keep glancing at the clock on the wall as I wait. My order is taken and the lady behind the counter asks me for a name. I tell her..hmm who do I want to be today..you decide.. I like to play the be anyone you want to be game every time I go to Starbucks. The barista decides that I look like a Tracy today. I carry on this persona the rest of the day introducing my self as Tracy.

I go back to the gate to see that the plane has already been boarded. I sprint down the ramp in time to be seated in the cheap seats. A four year old sat near me playing with her whoppy cushion the entire flight.Thus begins my journey...

Going Home

I will be gone but hopefully not  forgotten. Leaving to visit with my Mom who is on Hospice care at her home. The end days are near. Please don't give up on me. I will be back to cry on your shoulder and vent and rage..and in time sweet ..sweet time to find the humor in life once again.

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
  ~Lemony Snicket

The Joys of Elder Parents

The following is a note that I left for my sister. We have both been taking care of our elderly Mother.

Dear Sis, I told mom that I would be gone and left her my cell number.  Spent several hours with her this morning doing paperwork to pay the CNAs. Mom lost her checkbook and I spent 45 mins trying to find it. She told me someone told her to hide her checkbook. She hid it so well we couldn't find it.  She was in her PJs, she told me someone told her she had to wear PJs all day.   
 
   Her mind is going and she is mixed up and she is getting paranoid.  She accused me of stealing her money.  She told me "someone" said I've been taking her money from her bank accounts. (Must have been the new Caddie that gave me away).   I asked her who and she just said someone.  She told me last week that you my sister stole her lawn mower.  (Dear sis you beat me to it after all its 10 years old and worth a kings ransom).  Also that someone asked her for money to pay their real estate taxes because they were broke.  (Must have been Donald Trump).
 
  What's going on?   Do you think I'm an idiot (by the way I would agree with you if you did.)  
 
 
Your lying, cheating, thieving sister
 

 
 
 

Holy Heart Failure Batman!

I took my three year old grand daughter Lilly to play mini golf with me.  We went to Congo River. One of the features of Congo River is a fenced in pond which inhabitants alligators. Upon seeing the gators Lilly paid tribute to horror movie scream queens by letting out a blood curdling  scream. "Holy Shit! A Alligator!"

Special thanks have been awarded to her Dad for teaching her such a lovely cuss word. 

Witness Protection Program

I was sitting on my couch enjoying some peace and quite, when I noticed a group of people walking up to my door. Oh crap it's the Kool-Aid drinking sneaker wearing Jehovah's Witness entourage .

I quickly instructed my family to be quite and not to answer the doorbell.

A few months ago my daughter was  home sick and made the mistake of answering the door to them. As soon as she answered the door she fainted  at their feet. 

I came home a few minutes later to find two strange women in my house taking care of my daughter. I quickly thanked them and ushered them out of the house, I used the excuse that my daughter was highly contagious. Before they left that day they pushed a pamphlet into my hands. I knew they would be back.

This was the day. The doorbell rang  five times. Just go away I prayed. Next thing I know The watchtower pamphlet was being shoved under my door. Oh no  I crawled to the door so they couldn't see me through the window and pushed the pamphlet back at them. They slid it back under the door. This tug of war went on for several minutes. Finally they gave up and went on to the next victim. My days are numbered.

Facebook Drama

 I innocently posted the following update to my face book: Going to go take a disco nap. I needed a nap because I was going out to a party with friends. Long gone are the days when I could work all day and party all night..rinse..lather ..repeat.

This Stella was going to get her groove on.

While I was in a deep sleep coma my oldest daughter read my update and called her younger sister (who lives with me) to discuss my social life. Where's Mom going, who is she going with,what time will she be back..what is she wearing..yada..yada..yada.

Last time I looked I was of a certain age. The images of Granny sitting home alone Saturday night watching Lawrence Welk and knitting while talking to her cats are best to be left in the 60's.


I purposely left my cell phone at home because I knew that my adult children would be blowing it up all night.

I got in at 2 a.m. and proudly did the walk of shame all the way to my bedroom.

Dear Kids,

Get a life..I got one.

It's A..........

My daughter's creative way of informing me the sex of her baby.

Mandels

Just found out that Yankee candle has a line of candles for men. I came up with some potential flavors:

Dirty socks

you forgot to take the trash out

locker room

Restraining Order 


 sneaking in a t 3 am

old tennis shoes

athletic supporter

deadbeat dad

charcoal fluid overload

you left the cap off the toothpaste 


better than text

wet dog

fishing for a alibi 

Wet speedo

Strippers butt crack


skid marks

old man farts

the dog farted

beer goggles

beer o'clock

jock itch

You forgot to flush

morning breathe

older than spice

six pack beer abs

Swamp ass

Dirty ashtray

K-cups

On Mother's Day I was gifted with a curse. My daughter bought me a Keurig Coffee Machine.  A day doesn't go by without me being all hoped up on caffeine. I went from drinking one cup per day to three or four cups.

There are so many brands to chose from. My favorite K-cups are Starbucks and Paul Newman's. In the evening I switch to tea pod K-cups.

My sister and husband came to visit and they are both coffee snobs. I lead them both into temptation with the offer of free K-cup coffee. Their life has not been the same since. Upon leaving my house they detoured to Target and bought their own Keurig machine and multiple boxes of a variety of K-cups.

K-cups are the new  version of trading cards among adults. My sister and I trade K-cups. Our conversations go something like this: " I'll see you and raise you a Starbucks  for a Donut Shop..yeah will I'll raise you a Newman's Own. Got em..Want em..Need em..trade em...

Dear Keurig,

                        I WISH I KNEW HOW TO   QUIT YOU.

Deal or No Deal

Thing 1 and Thing 2 :grandma what's for dinner ME: ham, loaded bake potatoes, broccoli and pineapple. And dinner rolls Thing1 and Thing 2 talk among themselves where they think I can't hear them... Thing 1.. hey if I give you my ham can I have your broccoli Thing 2: if you give me your ham and your pineapple I'll give you my broccoli and my potato. Thing 1 ..ok thats a deal! And they even shook on it ..ME: oh and guys we are changing seats at the dinner table tonight your not sitting next to each other tonight, the look on their faces was priceless!!! I love being grandmom!!! Lol

Upchuck

Chuckie cheese. Not as cool as I remember, but My grandkids seems to like it.

Crappy frozen pizza, screaming children, arcade noise, and freaking out because your constantly looking for your kid.

Ya, and the band Sucks



 ‎35 dollars for a crappy large pizza, 1 salad bar, 2 small drinks, and 35 tokens for broken games

Yes They serve beer.
But I'm not drinking with my three year old grand kid..

Carrie Does the Dentist

I had to have one of my molars and a wisdom tooth pulled.  After making my daughter promise not to video tape me and post it on YouTube I allowed her to drive this Ms. Daisy to and from the appointment.

I nervously settled myself into the dental chair and reminded my daughter as to where my life insurance was and instructed her in how to divide my assets. I kissed her goodbye as the dental surgeon walked in.

The dentist began to prep me for an i.v. sedation and I asked him to turn on the radio. Right before I went under a song came on the radio. As I listened I began to laugh. The song was Never Gonna Give You Up..by Rick Astley . My last thought upon drifting off to never-never land was "Oh my God I'm being Rick Rolled!" 

Muffled voices began to fill the room. I wanted to speak but could not. They say that when you die your hearing is the last to go. I heard the dentist say "We had a complication."  "Coffin fit."

Inside my head I was screaming "No! No! I'm dead...just my freaking luck that I'm the one in a gazillion that dies from complications..geese my first clue that this would happen was that damn song."  
  
The next instant I heard my daughter call my name and I found myself totally awake and in pain. I felt as if I had a super absorbency  Tampon shoved in my mouth and could not speak.

My daughter could read the fear in my eyes and immediatley put my fears to rest. "Mom your fine..they had one complication..you had a coughing fit in the middle of the procedure and they had to ease back on the drugs, come on let's go home." I agreed to go with her on the one condition..that she was not to turn on the car radio. I did not want to have to test my luck twice in one day.

Good Morning

‎4 loads of laundry washed and folded sink full of dishes done...amazing what one can do when the Internet is down.

Pawn Stars

My friend owns a Pawn Shop. While at work today three young men entered the shop. The pawn shop was busy with several more customers needing help. As the trio of young men were leaving the shop my friend noticed that one man had a laptop computer shoved down the front of his pants. 

Out of the store my friend ran chasing the thieves.  Two of the other customers also ran out with him as back-up. He caught up with the three stooges as they were unlocking their getaway car. ( how ironic )

The idiot with the laptop was in the drivers seat with his leg hanging out the door. My friend seized the opportunity to forcibly smash the door on the little bastards leg. The punk  began to cry as did one of the other bad ass wanna be crooks.

The laptop was willingly handed back over.  They then asked him if he was going to call the cops. He told them no cause next time you try to pull this shit I'm going to put a bullet in your head. My friend let them go. He is pretty sure that he broke the kids leg.