I'm Still Standing

Just a quick note to let everyone know I'm still around. I have been taking care of family business. Now I have the stinking rotten flu..even my eyelashes hurt. Stay tuned I have many stories to share. Miss you and blogging.

Flim at 11!

Just watched the local news.....We have a woman who didn't stop for police because she was driving topless to surprise her boyfriend. I guess the surprise was on her and wonder how many extra patrol units came to answer that call. 

Second top story is you get to PAY an airline to potentially wait LONGER for your bags. You just can't make up our news sometimes, even if you tried.

Don't You Hate It When,,,

That moment when you realize your dress is on backwards...

A.  Then u turn it around and like
It better when it was backwards :) 

B.  and been wearing it inside out all night?

C.  And you laugh your ass off because it's funny.

D.  Just make your grand entrance backwards :)

E.  All of the above.

Barbie and Ken Saga

The further adventurers of the Ken and Barbie gang...as you know yesterday found them swimming in and using up all the hot water in my bath tub.. This morning ..

They all ganged up on me this morning,,..Ken,... Barbie and assorted friends were laying on a beach towel on the bathroom floor. I went to use the bathroom without turning on the light and tripped and fell head first into the tub They scatted off everywhere..I heard laughter as they retreated and regrouped...I will sleep with one eye open tonight.

  I just noticed my bath salts have gone missing..dun..dun.DUN...

New Olympic event...synthetic coed synchronized floating?

Just had to evict Ken and Barbie from the bathtub..

at least they weren't skinny dipping this time.

 

 

You Sunk My Battleship

A husband and wife who are friends of my sister and her husband came over to visit them. My sister sat in the house with the wife as the husband joined my sisters husband out on the back deck. The deck area faces the pond and boat dock in the backyard. As the men folk were sitting and what we like to refer to as joe jocking..  they kept hearing pings. At first sisters hubby thought the sound was acorns falling on the roof.  He then noticed ripples in the pond near his boat. As he watched he heard and saw that the pings were the sound of something hitting his boat. He walked down the dock and looked in the direction of his neighbor three doors down. The guy had a BB gun and was shooting it at hubby's boat.

"Hey Doug what the hell are you doing?" hollered Hubby. " my grandchild was just here swimming."


 "Hey Ron is that your boat?" screamed Doug.

"You sure as hell know it is Doug"

Ron saw red. If you know anything about my brother in law it is this when he sees red you are dead.

Ron went into the house and climbed the stairs to the bedroom. As he descended the stairs my sister noticed out of the corner of her eye that he was carrying his 22 gage shotgun. She did not think anything of it because he is a retired police officer, retired military and avid hunter. She just thought he was going to show off his gun to his friend because he was leaving in a few days to go hunting. She quickly got a clue when next she heard the boom of his gun and the 22 short round going off.

Ron had stepped onto the dock and aimed a round right at Doug's engine of his boat.

"Hey Doug is that your boat?" "
 "..keep it up and I'm gonna sink your boat"

Doug's wife then pipped in "Hey Ron you think you can hit those beer cans on the floating dock?" On the floating dock Ron noticed that there was a stack of six cans made into a pyramid."

Quickly Ron answered "Only if Doug balances them on his head."

Venting and I Don't mean the Dryer Kind

You threw my mother away ..like a crumpled up waded tissue that had been used by you so many times before.

Was she not two ply and soft enough for your giant ego?

She was good enough for you to use over and over..worn thin from your hands.

How do you sleep at night..oh that's right the devil never sleeps..he lies awake and waits and plots others demise.
 
You waited and counted down the days till you got what you wanted..must of felt like when we were kids and you couldn't wait till Christmas morning. No you never liked to wait you would sneak a peek at the presents before hand..I could tell you were ready no sooner then she had taken her last breath and her body was cold being taken away from her home. You got busy..ripping her clothes from there hangers..throwing possessions into piles..pocketing what you thought was valuable..you already had an auctioneer lined up..how clever your mind works..did your own dirty work..got your blood money..

You tossed and turned her world upside down with each item she owned being weighed and valued in your devious mind.

How dare you even touch her rosary did it burn your hand as you slid it into your thieving pockets?

After not seeing or talking to me for years you made a special trip and gifted me with a letter hand delivered by you. Yes the letter ..DNR do  not resuscitate  our mother.. I say this to you .I have a DNR placed upon my feelings I once had for you.  Do..Not.  resuscitate my love I once had for you..it has slowly died over the years as I watched and heard tell of your conniving ways.
 
Yes there will be a Catholic mass and yes to the question that you asked..

YOU will have to knell down to GOD.

You are not a man you are not a brother,you are not a son, you are not love. God is watching for you see just like the devil...God does not sleep..

Insensitive

                       Insensitive.
 
My brother dropped by my sister house unannounced. With him was his ten year old grandson. My sister greeted them and took the grandson to the back yard to look at the  pond and talk to him about fishing. A few minutes later my brother came out and told the grandson it was time to go. She asked why and was told that they needed to go home and shower because they had just come from playing tennis. Sister thought oh they just needed a drink of water it was just a pit stop but nice to see the grandson.

At the door my sister told them goodbye, my brother then turned around paused and from over his shoulder he said " oh by the way Moms on your coffee table. For one fleeting moment of a mind dealing with grief sis thought oh wow mom is here. Reality quickly set in as our brother said " yeah do whatever you want with her, spread her ashes around the pond." She went in side and found a black shoebox size box from the funeral home. The box was half hanging off the table. My God how can someone be so insensitive?

My sister took the box and placed it with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a photo in a frame of Jesus.

She texted me and sent me the photo. I called and told her " You know you can't write these things, our life is a comedy a deep dark comedy." 

I am now planning a nervous breakdown for sometime in the near future. I have not throughout the last week and her death even cried..I am numb.

My What Big Eyes You Have

My sister is the only one I can talk to for hours on the phone..hang up and then text each other for hours...God I just love her.


 She just texted me a photo of our mom wearing a fake nose sunglasses and a mustache.... I laughed till I peed.. ( sadly mom passed away 6 days ago ) let this be a warning to us to get rid of incriminating photos before our kids find them. Here's the photo I have never seen of my Mom before today.

 YES that is my Mom with a fake nose, glasses and a  mustache!

Then the texts start back and forth between us:

Me: Was Mom Jewish? ( no offense to anyone please I pick on everyone evenly )

Sis: Is this what happened to her nose the day she grabbed a tissue and a bee was in the tissue and it bit her nose.

Me: Is she Jimmy Durante?

Sis:  Is that  Peruvian Natural Wavy hair on her lip?

Me: Who's the transvestite next to her?

Sis : Mr Magoo is missing some glasses

Me: did our brothers draw the mustache and glasses on her photo?

Me: I can not stop laughing hysterically laughing and tears are rolling down my face now I can't see to text..

Sis: Might be a good thing you can't see.

Me: I think I have post traumatic stress// or is it dramatic stress

Me: mom's eyes look very squinty do we have any Chinese in us?

Sis: The only Chinese we have in us is the chow mien I just ate.

Sis: What has been seen, can not be unseen.

Me:  I am going to frame this photo in that God awful photo frame she gave me and put it on my nightstand. so I can think of her everyday and laugh. ( the Story of the photo frame and pics of it will be coming soon for you all to enjoy trust me you don't wanna miss it)

 

 

 

 

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

 

                      Children 



 I love those moments..for instance the morning I received the phone call that my mom had just passed Lilly my three year old grand daughter woke up came to the outside door . I sitting watching the dawn break in the sky. Lilly said good morning I want to ride my bike. I thought "girl it's 6am!" I looked at her and said " YES! Let's do this!" off we went down the road and around the block in the still quite of the awaking dawn light. This was a wonderful moment and a great way to take away my pain..a bad memory turned as golden as the light of a new day..

Despicable Me?

I so want to get back at my poor excuse  of a brother for the way he is disrespecting my mother and her possessions, house at this time of her death. Her body was barely cold and as soon as it left the house he got busy. Throwing things away piling things up. Ripping her clothes of their hangers. Trashing her photo albums of his siblings. Seems he already had an auctioneer set up to come over and pay him blood money.

I have been given the honor of writing and reading my mothers eulogy . What I would like to say and what I am going to say are two different things. I will honor my mother and live with the grace and dignity she instilled in me.

I secretly want to put pictures of him and his first wife on the tribute cd. You see his second wife doesn't know that she is second best. He has denied that he has even had another life to this wife. He has helped raise four daughters of hers while denying an only child of his own. He also has grandchildren that he has never taken the time to acknowledge.  His daughter and grandchildren come from yet another woman.  So you see throwing things away comes easy to him.

No I will take the higher road and be my mothers daughter for after all God is watching. I can sleep at night. ..but can he?


Note*    I debated posting this. I felt at first that I just needed to get it up..get it out.. Get it on paper and get over it. But..in light of some new despicable actions on his part I have decided to post this.

Marsha...Marsha..Marsha!

Drew the shot end of the stick once again. Yeah..let's get Carrie to do it. (all kidding aside if you dont really know me know this:i like to use humor to defeat pain)I have been honored with the task of writing my mother's eulogy. (why oh why did I get the talent of writing along with being the cutest one. I had always wished to have been an artist like my sister and mother, but then again I probably would have been commissioned to paint.) so it is with great honor that I take on the task at hand. Love and peace xox

For Mom

You can feel the love in this photo..the reason I and my sister and brothers were brought into this life..the answer to why you my children exist ..and why I have so many loves in my life that I call grandchildren..LOVE is the answer to everything.



A limb has fallen from the family tree.
I keep hearing a voice that says, "Grieve not for me.
Remember the best times, the laughter, the song.
The good life I lived while I was strong.
Continue my heritage, I'm counting on you.
Keep smiling and surely the sun will shine through.
My mind is at ease, my soul is at rest.
Remembering all, how I truly was blessed.
Continue traditions, no matter how small.
Go on with your life, don't worry about falls
I miss you all dearly, so keep up your chin.
Until the day comes we're together again.
Author Unknown


My mother lost her fight with cancer on July 17 at 4:44 a.m. My oldest brother was with her and held her hand as he was reading from the bible out loud. My mom had been in a coma for the past day and night she was between both worlds. She did not respond to pain. At 4:30 am she opened her eyes and looked towards the ceiling in her bedroom, a glorious smile on her face. She closed her eyes and went home to heaven.

I immediately received the phone call glanced at my clock and noted it was 4:44. This is what it means when you see "444"- whether on the clock (4:44), a license plate,a sign,the Internet,a bill,just anywhere-it is "a sign of the power of God's love," according to the book by Nick Bunick,author of In God's Truth. In Doreen Virtue's book Angel Numbers, she describes the meaning of the number combination 444 as," Thousands of angels surround you at this moment, loving and supporting you." May your life be full of 444. Peace & Love

Tell Her..

Death and birth. I have often wondered about both. Both make you wait and come in their own due time. They both bring tears and joy. You know that suffering has ended with death and you eventually feel joy knowing that your loved one has gone home to the heavens. Birth brings hope back into your life. Both bring you the knowledge that your life will be forever changed.
As I awoke this morning I stepped outside. I took the time in this rush..rush world to stop and really look around me. All of my senses were alert. I heard the call of the nesting birds in my tree. I noticed that my flowers in my garden had opened their blooms for the first time. I smelled their heavenly aroma. I gazed up at the dawn of a new day and noted the crescent moon and Jupiter and Venus had put on a show for me.  The song my mother always sang to me came into my head..Would you like to swing on a star..carry moonbeams in a jar... I sang it all day.How many times had I walked out that door and never really seen what was always in front of me?  I had the privilege of sensing this wonder called life. I paused and prayed and I knew. I knew that today would be her last on this earth. I went on with life off to work and home, her my mother constantly on my mind. She was with me as I greeted the children at daycare. I felt it in their hugs today which seemed to be extra bountiful. I sang her songs in French to them. I felt love. She is taking her last breaths as I speak..I am in that room with her in spirit. The sky just opened up and heavy rains are soaking up the earth. My tears mingle with them. I text my sister and tell her to hold her and softly whisper in her ear...I love you and  want you to know that I have always been proud to call you my mother. Tell her..I will be okay till we meet again as I am assured that we will. Tell her this as I am for sure she can hear my words..there is no goodbye because there is just no good in bye. Wait for me..I will see you later. I love you Mom.

Soft Whispers

My twin brother has a new puppy. The dogs  name is Butch. He was named after our cousin who has passed away. Butch is an English bulldog pup. While visiting my Mom who is close to dying the dog was left in the backyard. The dog dug a hole and found this eight inch statute of an angel.










On the same day I stepped on this pin of an angel which got embedded in my shoe.

   I think I have got an answer to my question about knowing my Mom will be okay when she leaves this earth. Thank you Jesus!

After Life..

As my father lay on his deathbed my son came to visit him. Before my son entered the room we had a conversation. I let my son know that if there was anything he wanted to say or know this was the time to ask his grandpa. My son conveyed to me that he didn't feel comfortable asking. So he asked me to ask my dad to contact my deceased husband John and tell him that he loved him and to ask John to send a sign. I repeated  the message to my father. Three days later my father passed away. I was staying at my sisters house. The morning after my fathers death I received a panicky phone call from my son. "Mom..Mom your not going to believe this I just got a weird message in my voice mail, I am going to forward it to you." I dialed my voicemail and heard the following "This is Johnny grandpa told me to call.  My knees went weak as I heard that message....the voice sounded just like my late husbands...yes it was a wrong number but it was the right message.

I am thinking of my mom today as she slips closer to death. When it happens I pray for a sign from her.

Things To Make One Wonder

Mom told me that a man sang to her all night long. I asked what song and she said he just sang. I spent the next day with my mom and at one point she asked me 
"Did you hear that?" "Music" she whispered wide eyed. I walked around the house listening and could find no music. 


On the third day my mother confessed to seeing a little girl in her room. At first she was afraid to tell me.  She began by saying 
" You know that place between being asleep and fully awake? "  " yes mom ". she whispered ,"Well I don't want two men in white coats showing up at my door" her eyes grew big with fear as she continued, " I saw a little girl". My inquiring mind asked "Who was she mom"? " "Just a little girl",she answered.

I could sense my mothers fear and quickly assured her that God comes in all forms and she must not fear what she saw.

My sister and I were talking and we think that maybe it was herself as a child that she was seeing.  That answer didn't seem to make sense to me. As we talked it came to me maybe it was an angel. My sister  and I would both like to agree to this line of thinking.

I talked to one of her hospice workers. This particular lady has been taking care of many people over the last thirty years. When I told her about my mothers encounters her face lit up with a big smile. She said " it's her angels, and I have heard of these happenings many, many times. They are preparing her to move on".  Her words brought serenity to my breaking heart.

Happy 4th of July

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Buzz

Got a little extra buzz from my drink today. Can I get a shot of Benadryl on the side?

Up Up and Away...

Got to love Southwest Airlines as I got off my flight in Orlando I was greeted with ...Hi Welcome to Chicago .. Haha I had to think for a moment just where was I? without missing a beat I said, Gee thanks I almost thought I was on the wrong flight! 

  I had just spent an hour on the ground in Baltimore..so I had a moment of doubt ..I laughed as it made my day. Then as I was walking in the airport I fell on my ass so I guess I'm home...

Click Your Heels Three Times

Being home in this small hometown life is both comforting and claustrophobic. Bittersweet.

I have many stories to write for the future as soon as I am able to process them through my brain.

Internet access here is limited to a wing and a prayer. I go home tomorrow and keep telling myself ... one more sleep.

Brown chicken..Brown Cowow...

Sitting at my sister's house watching t.v.with her last night I remembered a few years back when we did the same thing. At that time I was visiting with my children who were teenagers and my youngest daughter who was nine years old. My sister and I were talking and her husband was trying to watch the New England Patriots football game. Hubby got upset that he could not enjoy his football while sitting next to a bunch of gabbing hens. He threw the channel changer in my sisters lap and marched off to his bedroom t.v. But not before telling my sister watch whatever you want.

My sisters t.v. Is as big as a drive-in movie screen. We continued to gab as she channel surfed. Next thing I know my ears were being assaulted by what was on the t.v. Ahhh..mmmm...Yes! ...mmmm harder..faster yes yes Yessss! I looked up at the larger than real life screen and saw that my sister had a porno movie on. I quickly tried to cover all three of my children's eyes as I wrestled the remote from my sister. I screamed at her "What are you doing?" she replied " he said watch whatever".Such is my life with my sister..

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

HaHaha my sis just dropped her drawers and peed in her front yard cause she didn't want to go in the house cus we were spying on the neighbor who had an ambulance at his house. No she doesn't drink she's just old and it's called incontinence if you don't know what that means you will know when you get to be her age this is the longest run on sentence ever my high school teacher would be so proud and another thing her dog Brewskis snores louder than any husband I have ever known by the way she names her trees in her yard the tree she did her business on is named Fat Albert and I think that it's a good thing that we are going to church in the morning as I am going to ask God to forgive her for her sins 

The pen (in this case the iPad keyboard is a mighty sword as my sister is just now finding out) I am learning where all the creaks in her floorboards are so I can sneak around her house without alerting her.

On the Road Again

At the airport the lines through security remind me of Disney's hurry up and wait philosophy . Applause breaks out spontaneously, as I notice the American flag being held up high as World War two veterans pass under it and on through security. Suddenly tears well up in my eyes as I am reminded of my father. How appropriate that i am thinking of him at this moment when I am traveling to be with my mother. The grim reaper has knocked at her door and invited it self in. This is not my first time at the dance three years previously I made the same trip for my father.

The line is taking forever, will I make my flight I think.  Getting half way naked and placing my possessions into gray plastic trays. I am asked to go through the metal detector and it beeps. I am pulled to the side and told that I am randomly selected for further screening. I am asked to place my finger on some kind of blue paper like substance. Then I am cleared to go. 

Half hour to my flight boards I spot a Starbucks. Thank you sweet baby Jesus!  Another line. I keep glancing at the clock on the wall as I wait. My order is taken and the lady behind the counter asks me for a name. I tell her..hmm who do I want to be today..you decide.. I like to play the be anyone you want to be game every time I go to Starbucks. The barista decides that I look like a Tracy today. I carry on this persona the rest of the day introducing my self as Tracy.

I go back to the gate to see that the plane has already been boarded. I sprint down the ramp in time to be seated in the cheap seats. A four year old sat near me playing with her whoppy cushion the entire flight.Thus begins my journey...

Going Home

I will be gone but hopefully not  forgotten. Leaving to visit with my Mom who is on Hospice care at her home. The end days are near. Please don't give up on me. I will be back to cry on your shoulder and vent and rage..and in time sweet ..sweet time to find the humor in life once again.

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
  ~Lemony Snicket

The Joys of Elder Parents

The following is a note that I left for my sister. We have both been taking care of our elderly Mother.

Dear Sis, I told mom that I would be gone and left her my cell number.  Spent several hours with her this morning doing paperwork to pay the CNAs. Mom lost her checkbook and I spent 45 mins trying to find it. She told me someone told her to hide her checkbook. She hid it so well we couldn't find it.  She was in her PJs, she told me someone told her she had to wear PJs all day.   
 
   Her mind is going and she is mixed up and she is getting paranoid.  She accused me of stealing her money.  She told me "someone" said I've been taking her money from her bank accounts. (Must have been the new Caddie that gave me away).   I asked her who and she just said someone.  She told me last week that you my sister stole her lawn mower.  (Dear sis you beat me to it after all its 10 years old and worth a kings ransom).  Also that someone asked her for money to pay their real estate taxes because they were broke.  (Must have been Donald Trump).
 
  What's going on?   Do you think I'm an idiot (by the way I would agree with you if you did.)  
 
 
Your lying, cheating, thieving sister
 

 
 
 

Holy Heart Failure Batman!

I took my three year old grand daughter Lilly to play mini golf with me.  We went to Congo River. One of the features of Congo River is a fenced in pond which inhabitants alligators. Upon seeing the gators Lilly paid tribute to horror movie scream queens by letting out a blood curdling  scream. "Holy Shit! A Alligator!"

Special thanks have been awarded to her Dad for teaching her such a lovely cuss word. 

Witness Protection Program

I was sitting on my couch enjoying some peace and quite, when I noticed a group of people walking up to my door. Oh crap it's the Kool-Aid drinking sneaker wearing Jehovah's Witness entourage .

I quickly instructed my family to be quite and not to answer the doorbell.

A few months ago my daughter was  home sick and made the mistake of answering the door to them. As soon as she answered the door she fainted  at their feet. 

I came home a few minutes later to find two strange women in my house taking care of my daughter. I quickly thanked them and ushered them out of the house, I used the excuse that my daughter was highly contagious. Before they left that day they pushed a pamphlet into my hands. I knew they would be back.

This was the day. The doorbell rang  five times. Just go away I prayed. Next thing I know The watchtower pamphlet was being shoved under my door. Oh no  I crawled to the door so they couldn't see me through the window and pushed the pamphlet back at them. They slid it back under the door. This tug of war went on for several minutes. Finally they gave up and went on to the next victim. My days are numbered.

Facebook Drama

 I innocently posted the following update to my face book: Going to go take a disco nap. I needed a nap because I was going out to a party with friends. Long gone are the days when I could work all day and party all night..rinse..lather ..repeat.

This Stella was going to get her groove on.

While I was in a deep sleep coma my oldest daughter read my update and called her younger sister (who lives with me) to discuss my social life. Where's Mom going, who is she going with,what time will she be back..what is she wearing..yada..yada..yada.

Last time I looked I was of a certain age. The images of Granny sitting home alone Saturday night watching Lawrence Welk and knitting while talking to her cats are best to be left in the 60's.


I purposely left my cell phone at home because I knew that my adult children would be blowing it up all night.

I got in at 2 a.m. and proudly did the walk of shame all the way to my bedroom.

Dear Kids,

Get a life..I got one.

It's A..........

My daughter's creative way of informing me the sex of her baby.

Mandels

Just found out that Yankee candle has a line of candles for men. I came up with some potential flavors:

Dirty socks

you forgot to take the trash out

locker room

Restraining Order 


 sneaking in a t 3 am

old tennis shoes

athletic supporter

deadbeat dad

charcoal fluid overload

you left the cap off the toothpaste 


better than text

wet dog

fishing for a alibi 

Wet speedo

Strippers butt crack


skid marks

old man farts

the dog farted

beer goggles

beer o'clock

jock itch

You forgot to flush

morning breathe

older than spice

six pack beer abs

Swamp ass

Dirty ashtray

K-cups

On Mother's Day I was gifted with a curse. My daughter bought me a Keurig Coffee Machine.  A day doesn't go by without me being all hoped up on caffeine. I went from drinking one cup per day to three or four cups.

There are so many brands to chose from. My favorite K-cups are Starbucks and Paul Newman's. In the evening I switch to tea pod K-cups.

My sister and husband came to visit and they are both coffee snobs. I lead them both into temptation with the offer of free K-cup coffee. Their life has not been the same since. Upon leaving my house they detoured to Target and bought their own Keurig machine and multiple boxes of a variety of K-cups.

K-cups are the new  version of trading cards among adults. My sister and I trade K-cups. Our conversations go something like this: " I'll see you and raise you a Starbucks  for a Donut Shop..yeah will I'll raise you a Newman's Own. Got em..Want em..Need em..trade em...

Dear Keurig,

                        I WISH I KNEW HOW TO   QUIT YOU.

Deal or No Deal

Thing 1 and Thing 2 :grandma what's for dinner ME: ham, loaded bake potatoes, broccoli and pineapple. And dinner rolls Thing1 and Thing 2 talk among themselves where they think I can't hear them... Thing 1.. hey if I give you my ham can I have your broccoli Thing 2: if you give me your ham and your pineapple I'll give you my broccoli and my potato. Thing 1 ..ok thats a deal! And they even shook on it ..ME: oh and guys we are changing seats at the dinner table tonight your not sitting next to each other tonight, the look on their faces was priceless!!! I love being grandmom!!! Lol

Upchuck

Chuckie cheese. Not as cool as I remember, but My grandkids seems to like it.

Crappy frozen pizza, screaming children, arcade noise, and freaking out because your constantly looking for your kid.

Ya, and the band Sucks



 ‎35 dollars for a crappy large pizza, 1 salad bar, 2 small drinks, and 35 tokens for broken games

Yes They serve beer.
But I'm not drinking with my three year old grand kid..

Carrie Does the Dentist

I had to have one of my molars and a wisdom tooth pulled.  After making my daughter promise not to video tape me and post it on YouTube I allowed her to drive this Ms. Daisy to and from the appointment.

I nervously settled myself into the dental chair and reminded my daughter as to where my life insurance was and instructed her in how to divide my assets. I kissed her goodbye as the dental surgeon walked in.

The dentist began to prep me for an i.v. sedation and I asked him to turn on the radio. Right before I went under a song came on the radio. As I listened I began to laugh. The song was Never Gonna Give You Up..by Rick Astley . My last thought upon drifting off to never-never land was "Oh my God I'm being Rick Rolled!" 

Muffled voices began to fill the room. I wanted to speak but could not. They say that when you die your hearing is the last to go. I heard the dentist say "We had a complication."  "Coffin fit."

Inside my head I was screaming "No! No! I'm dead...just my freaking luck that I'm the one in a gazillion that dies from complications..geese my first clue that this would happen was that damn song."  
  
The next instant I heard my daughter call my name and I found myself totally awake and in pain. I felt as if I had a super absorbency  Tampon shoved in my mouth and could not speak.

My daughter could read the fear in my eyes and immediatley put my fears to rest. "Mom your fine..they had one complication..you had a coughing fit in the middle of the procedure and they had to ease back on the drugs, come on let's go home." I agreed to go with her on the one condition..that she was not to turn on the car radio. I did not want to have to test my luck twice in one day.

Good Morning

‎4 loads of laundry washed and folded sink full of dishes done...amazing what one can do when the Internet is down.

Pawn Stars

My friend owns a Pawn Shop. While at work today three young men entered the shop. The pawn shop was busy with several more customers needing help. As the trio of young men were leaving the shop my friend noticed that one man had a laptop computer shoved down the front of his pants. 

Out of the store my friend ran chasing the thieves.  Two of the other customers also ran out with him as back-up. He caught up with the three stooges as they were unlocking their getaway car. ( how ironic )

The idiot with the laptop was in the drivers seat with his leg hanging out the door. My friend seized the opportunity to forcibly smash the door on the little bastards leg. The punk  began to cry as did one of the other bad ass wanna be crooks.

The laptop was willingly handed back over.  They then asked him if he was going to call the cops. He told them no cause next time you try to pull this shit I'm going to put a bullet in your head. My friend let them go. He is pretty sure that he broke the kids leg.

Zombie Apocalypse Alert

For people who post about Zombie Apocalypse plans all the time, none of you seem very concerned it just started in Miami.

 I've used bath salts many times. Even enjoyed the relaxing moment in the hot water. Never thought about eating anyones face off.

This crazy zombie thing is really annoying me.. the guy took too much bath salt (and/or other type drugs)and went apeshit I'm sure it was just a dare by all his other nekkid homeless zombie buddy's on bath salts...Hope they are not coming this way or are they already here? Just go check out the internet on other stories news out there on people on bath salt.. evil stuff.... some are just as shocking.. i'm not gonna go out and buy up a bunch of guns and build a damn fort around my house...good grief... it's gotten outta hand. Some people have watched one too many zombie movies, next it will be vampires.



I am holding hope that by the time the stupid people get eaten, zombies will be full.

I Just Bought My Grandaughter a what....?

      I just bought my grand daughter what? A glitter princess what? Lol I bought Lilly a barbie doll and this is what showed up on my receipt.

Happy Memorial Day

Dragging your comforter and pillow out to the couch shows the 3 day weekend that you mean serious business about being lazy.

All I need now is a pair of those Pajama jeans.

He's Bacccccccccccck

Woke up this morning and sat in my chair outside with my coffee. My pre-dawn peace was interrupted by  the noise of  my large trash can being knocked over. Out pops Mr. Raccoon from the tumbled over trash can. I jumped up to run to the door grabbing my cup of coffee first. It's all about saving the coffee.  Here's the story of my first encounter with Mr. Raccoon:



So how was your Friday the 13th??

Mine began at the butt crack of dawn. I walked outside in the still darkness of night. I saw my cat jump onto the roof of my car and began to call him, all of a sudden he stood up on his hind legs. That should of been my first clue. Upon walking closer to my car I then realized that it was not my cat! What I saw before me was the biggest ugliest raccoon that I have ever seen. The raccoon was trying to use my car roof as a jumping off stage to deposit himself into the near by trash can. I threw my water bottle at him and missed. He jumped off the car and began to stalk me. I picked up a rake and tried to fend him off. I had to be at work and open the building on time. I ran back into the house to get more ammunition. I came back outside with a can of mace and a pan and spoon to make as much noise as possible. I jumped into my car and hurriedly locked the doors. ( duh! like he could get in, I was not going to take any chances ) I did make it to work on time. Might have to call the city to get a trap as I do not want another surprise..surprise..surprise ever again..

Eye See You

Wish that I could run my two fingers over my eyes to make the print bigger just like I do on the IPad..wouldn't that be great..no more eyeglasses. Wait a minute oh yeah it's called Lasik...

Pay It Forward People

I want to thank a young man who made sure that my pregnant daughter and young granddaughter made it safe to their destination today. My daughters car kept stalling out and this young man with a small child in his car pulled up to her and noticed she needed help. He suggested that he follow her and keep his emergency lights on so no one would smash into her. He drove miles out of his way to do so. Thank you for your random act of kindness. Your Mother should be as proud of you as I am. You have renewed my trust in mankind. You drove off before my daughter could thank you..but Karma knows where to find you...thank you!

Sunday Drive

In the south there is an unwritten code among the genteel southern woman. One should never leave the house without being fully coiffed, for one never knows whom they might run into down at the local Piggly Wiggly. With that being said I made sure to fully adorn my self in my Sunday best.
I slid into my " pimp my ride please" 1995 Happy Honda and headed out. There is nothing better than the lure of the traditional Sunday drive.
I leisurely drove through what is known to us common folks as " the richie  rich" neighborhood of Winter Park, Florida. As my car bumped along over the cobblestone streets I took in the surrounding scenery. Towering canopies of  live old oak trees draped with chandelier Spanish moss. Behind the trees that line the streets are hundred year old mansions where lifestyles of the rich and famous are dreamed about.
As I approached the golf course country club where it meets the historic cemetery I paused my car at the four way stop sign. I took this pause in time to text my sister who was following in the car behind me. Without fully looking up I proceeded to move forward. I immediately slammed on my brakes. For a moment I experienced  being snow blind. A light whiter than white gleamed off the exposed backside of a shirtless man as he jogged in place in front of my car. My first thought was who the hell jogs anymore? I watched as he hiked up his smaller than Richard Simmons short-shorts which had slipped down. He turned his head to look me in the eye. I noticed a enormous orange-red afro which was sporting a 1980's sweat band. ( think the video Let's Get Physical here ). His eyes locked mine and I noted the extreme arched thin eyebrows reminiscent of Marlena Dietrich .
Oh my God! It's Carrot Top !!! I  I almost mashed him with my car.
I pointed my finger at him and he returned the favor as he jogged on.  I grabbed the phone and called my sister who confirmed my sighting. I was relieved to know that had I hit him the southern ladies had nothing to fear because I followed the code and was properly attired for an interview with both the police and the paparazzi.